The 35 years old Ceylin moved to Istanbul at the age of 20 after finishing her Military service as a young man.A time when her family wanted her to get married and settle down with a girl.After years and years of feeling suffocated and oppressed as a caged person pretending to be straight for the outside eyes,living in the large city of Adana in southern Turkey,she finally had enough and escaped to Istanbul.The big escape was just the start of a long painful struggling journey.Just like many others she could only manage to survive by selling her body ( soul).I never met a single Trans person who were not talking about the physical harms their “haters” would do to them. Aside from all the mental emotional part.
She has gone through surgeries for having feminine physical features but doesn`t want to change her Genitals for she claims it would make her end up depressed and suicidal,as it did to many of her friends,due to losing ability to have climax easily.Years of prostitution could give her the luxury of a beautiful shelter she could call her “home”.She prays to her “God” and she respects her family religious Muslim beliefs.But she call herself more of a spiritual person.When they visit her during “Ramadan”,she acts out and dress like a man, pretend to be”gay”. Wearing hats,having no make ups.
“For years i could not let go of the fear,anger and hopelessness i felt every single day in the work i was forced to do.But finally i accepted it.And now i`m in peace.
Although i can never walk in peace in the streets for homophobic people in groups of men and women always attack and threaten us.”
“I used to help other “Travistia” ( Trans) women.I had “so called” daughters i would guide and help for the beginning of their journey.
Either if they wanted to have the surgery or just wanted to go through the basic changes such as having wax,wigs,etc.But not anymore.
“I remember i was 24.It was after living in Istanbul as a trans woman for my first time. I was devastated,tired and hurt.I had enough savings to go back to ” Adana”,to my family. I changed my” feminine appearance” and moved back.
But only could last in that conservative city,living and pretending again to be a “gay man” only for 6 months.”
“I had doors closed to me at both sides.And each one was more frightening as the other.”
“If i go through the” sex reassignment surgery”, i can be registered as a woman.A new person with new identification card.I can benefit from all the rights and freedoms a woman can have in this country.I decided not to for the” extreme emotional pressure” of
not having the sexual pleasure anymore.Although doing the surgery never protects you from the poison and harms of our haters.There ARE kind people who stand out in our defend.But is it enough for us to live like other normal people?”
“Since i remember i always used to have a charismatic strong personality.I was always the leader of the group.
I was so young when i dreamed of being a lawyer. I still do.”
“In a society which is sexless ,many barriers can disappear.
Irrational fears, hatred, disgust, contempt could fade.”
“For every person,it takes time for knowing yourself.Once you realize what you like and who you want to be,you can reach out to all the possibilities outside considering your goals,dreams and ideas.
There will always be obstacles,but here you are on your road.For us,we never get to bite the apple we wish for.It`s forbidden